“You’re too pretty to be a physicist”
It’s not a fucking compliment.
If you’re the kind of person to tell women they’re pretty in the workplace and are confused why they’re so “ungrateful” and “can’t take a compliment”, this blog is for you.
1 - I don’t care what you think
The reason you think I should be grateful for your telling me I’m “the only beautiful astrophysicist you’ve met” (true story) is because of the assumption that I should care what you think of my appearance.
And don’t be fooled by the make-up, my friend: do you really think I spent 15-30 minutes putting this on to impress someone who can’t tell the difference between a blush and a bronzer?
It is traditionally believed in our patriarchal society that women do not like the way they look, or don’t know they’re beautiful, until a man tells them.
I know I look like a snack.
I don’t care if you agree, and no one asked for your opinion.
2 - Beauty is not value
I spent 20 years in school, came out of University with a First class Masters in Physics and Astronomy with honours, obtained a PhD by the time I was 26, I speak 3 languages, and I’m always there for my partner and my friends. My physical appearance does not add or take away value from who I am as a person.
Your “compliment” assumes it does - O, the audacity…
Besides, let’s be honest, chances are you have no idea what I look like. If you’re telling me I’m pretty when I’ve done my make up and pulled the blazer out from the closet, I’m ready to bet you wouldn’t say the same if you saw me at Roller Derby practice. Truth is, you should be complimenting my eye-shadow blending skills and my sense of taste.
3 - Stop taking down other women
A lot of comments I receive are also insults to other women - either on the fact that other smart women are “uglier”, or beautiful women are “dumb”.
Let’s make a few things clear:
First of all, taking down other women to “elevate” me above them is not a compliment, it’s another trick the patriarchy has ingrained in the mind of a lot of people; women should compete with other women to be prettier and smarter. Stop doing it. The only person I’m competing with right now is you Kevin, and you look dusty.
Secondly, stop assuming beautiful women are dumb and shallow. You like to shit on Instagram models, but do you know how to run a successful business, build an audience, and smartly market products? No? Then sit down.
4 - What compliments can you give?
So what then? Can men no longer compliment women?
hAs FeMiNiSm KiLlEd CoMpLiMeNtS?
No, you just need to learn what a compliment is. Here are a few things you can congratulate any human about:
Skills
Achievements
Something they care about
If you follow this guideline, you can even compliment a woman’s appearance without being offensive! Instead of “You’re too pretty to be a physicist”, you could say “Nice jacket!” or “I like your glasses, where did you get the frames?”.
And on that note, these are all compliments you could give men and you should. In a patriarchal society men get less support and validation from their peers, which can contribute to mental health issues. Just throwing this out there.
Maybe next time you want to tell a working woman that you find her attractive, consider instead giving a compliment to one of your male buddies: You’ll make two people happy.